Nostalgia is one of the worst feelings. I’m right about this. I didn’t feel this way. In fact, I used to be quite fond of it when I was younger. But slowly my hatred of nostalgia became a more and more frequent response; I’d get nostalgia for things that happened a week ago and I still do. Now every time I do it feels as though my body crumbles into pieces, like it’s opened up, like a hand with the glove taken off, and I feel exposed. 

The dictionary definition of nostalgia is “a sentimental longing or wistful affection for the past, typically for a period or place with happy personal associations.”

At the same time I feel like someone can interpret Nostalgia in a lot of ways. It’s a reminder of change and how fast everything moves, of how things used to be, whether bad or good. Especially when the things you’re nostalgic about are from a week ago. You miss it so much, and even though it’s not far away you can never reach it. The feeling itself just isn’t pleasant for the body.

Remembering the warm fuzziness nostalgia used to give you is the worst. You miss being able to feel that. It’s an alienating feeling to your own body and makes you forget that you are in a body and it’s yours. Afterwards you feel as if everything has been sucked out of you. Your whole body itches, but no matter how much you scratch the same spots go bland.

There are certain things that give you specific nostalgic feelings and those are perhaps the worst. 

Not too long ago I was home alone and made cinnamon rolls. I just sat down and had my playlist on when a Duster song popped up. For whatever reason that I still can’t figure out, it hit me: A wave of nostalgia. As I sat there and stared at my cinnamon roll, it made me lose my appetite. I ate it anyway. It brought with it memories from my old house in Slippery Elm and it was disemboweling. I barely remember the house anyway, I can’t even remember my room, but that living room and dining area are so vivid in my head.

Maybe there’s a song that reminds you of a time or a game you play or whatever it may be. They remind you of specific times and memories, which can be pleasant, but the nostalgic feeling turns dreadful. You can’t just turn it off once it starts. It feels like it lasts forever. 

Nostalgia can be manual or automatic. Sometimes it will happen out of nowhere or it can be instigated out of nowhere by yourself or another person, intentional or not. Sometimes you’re talking with someone when they bring something up which gives you this feeling, and you act like it doesn’t bother you and say something like “Ah yeah yeah good times good times.” They may be good memories, but that doesn’t change the uncomfortable exposure that nostalgia gives you. 

I’ve been unable to find someone who has the same thoughts on nostalgia as me. The people I’ve asked have always said it reminds them of childhood and makes them feel good and free. The smells of baked goods, the sounds of songs they used to listen to. They enjoy remembering, a kind of escape. But who actually wants to grow up and be reminded of the fact they are slowing rotting in a clunky flesh vessel? They age everyday and everything’s always changing. 

Nostalgia is the worst, but here’s the irony: I still make myself feel it.

The beginning is alright and bearable and sometimes even nice, but then I feel cold and can’t shiver, want to wipe my facial features away. Yes, this kind of contradicts everything I’ve been saying, but it’s not like I do this all the time. Even so, I do it to myself. Sometimes I force myself to feel these certain nostalgic feelings and setting up these scenarios to feel them makes me angry, almost like a masochist inflicts pain on themselves. I think it’s one of those things you force to happen when you feel sad and want to reminisce, even though it won’t make it better. Instead of feeling an emotion strongly, making myself feel nostalgia will make me feel like a husk. Which I guess I think would be better at times than being really sad, angry, or whatever it may be. Although it doesn’t always help in that way.